favorite lines i've written this year

[markohmark]

because i don't need twitter likes to determine how many favorites i have!!! also i hate threads. this is very self-indulgent and unnecessary and i don't care



i. square (2017)

Jaemin rolls his neck, letting out a little sigh as he does so. It seems like such a secret, uncontrolled thing. Intimate, even. Jeno wonders how many people have heard those sighs, have seen Jaemin like this, all tired and beautiful.

- literally directly inspired by hollycomb-ism from my favorite sulu/chekov fic THE INTIMACY OF HEARING SOMEONE SIGH WHEN THEY'RE TIRED or something.

But — he wants Jaemin to say it, to breathe it out into the crisp night air, to outline and define the blurry edges of their relationship. He wants Jaemin to commit to something, even if that’s antithetical to anything he’s ever heard of him. He shivers.

ii. afterthought ch. 6
um i don't like a single word in this chapter

iii. venn diagram

In one world, Jeno and him are more than friends, all of those unspoken, heartfelt things he’d known he would lose once he debuted as an idol. The privilege of having Jeno’s heart in his hands had been more precious than the million he’d received during his last vlive.

- what is slightly embarassing abt this quote is that i had never watched a vlive before when i wrote this fic so i didnt know how many millions of hearts nct members routinely get... like srsly x__x #fakefan UMMM anyways
- sunk costs of idol life are always my fav <3

It’s late, too late, when Yeonjun-hyung finally calls their practice to an end. The camera crew has long since left, and for a second it feels all too familiar. Seven boys, sweat-singed and all the more stronger for it, working towards that elusive debut.

Except these boys aren’t Jaemin’s boys. Even this Jisung and this Jeno aren’t the same, of course they aren’t, because how could any one of the seven members of NCT Dream be the same without having grown up alongside one another? Even this Jaemin’s body, molded and strained towards idolhood, stretched to near-breaking, still feels foreign. If Jaemin thinks about it too long, he thinks he might scream, might break from the oddness of it.

- yeonjun cameo?! the p101 part of my nomin fic might be one of my favs x__x also i know found families r not that real but... nct dream did rlly grow up together & spend all of their adolescence w/ each other so i think im valid <3

Jaemin opens his mouth to protest, but then considers the man in front of him one more time. Jeno’s just as beautiful in the darkness as he is in front of the camera’s flash. Moreso, even, the outlines of him marked with tragedy.

No, Jaemin realizes, almost selfishly. He doesn’t want to see Jeno’s wedding. Not here, where Jeno whisks him into the shadows then will leave him to be with another in the limelight. Not here, where it’s clear that things could have been different.

- ASDF secret relationship except the Bad Kind... i didn't do anything special with shadows vs light in this fic but i do like all the ~darkness~ in this scene

This is how Jaemin wakes up, drfiting off in Jeno's arms, holding onto something he knows isn't real.

- vy told me this made her tear up so im putting it here

“If Jeno and I weren’t idols together, if we met in a different universe, do you think we’d still be friends?” Jaemin asks.

...

“I don’t know,” Renjun says finally. “I mean, wouldn’t it depend on the circumstances?”

But that’s the problem, Jaemin wants to scream. Because no matter what, no matter which universe he wakes up in, he’s always in love with Jeno.

“Look,” Renjun adds, shrugging, before saying the wisest thing of all: “Who cares about other universes. Just make sure you don’t screw up this one.”

- summary drop!! but also i rlly like seeding renmin friendship / renjun advice giver... also i added in that last renjun line last minute while editing, another example of editing maybe paying off!?

iv. your empty gift-box eyes

See, perfection could be made and shaped and brought out of a trainee like a magnet collecting iron particles from sand. But charisma? But Mark Lee’s unrepentant boy-next-door charm?

That was born out of something else entirely.

- sorry my love for markly completely shows in this fic i love him. also i like the magnet thing

Yeonjun looks on as Mark allows every microexpression to be displayed on his face, any minute change in thought broadcasted clearly. He hates himself, just a little, for succumbing to the intentional charm of it.

- asdf completely inspired by the monopolizers reading of mark thru the johnmark lens of like... mark Is Earnest and a Good Kid but also he's aware that his earnesty is part of his charm?! i don't think about mark idolsona a lot but >_<

“What, were you friends with those Disney Channel kids you trained with?” Yeonjun continues, watching that anger bloom across Mark’s face again, a beautiful and wretched thing. He feels reckless, giddy, almost. He wants more. “Are you sure they haven’t forgotten your name already?”

Mark refuses to offer Yeonjun the satisfaction of a visible reaction, but he can’t hide the way his jaw clenches with quiet fury.

And Yeonjun knows—as soon as the words leave his mouth—that he’s taken it too far, whatever too far might mean for someone like Choi Yeonjun. That’s the problem, isn’t it. When he spends so long trying to push his own limits, stretching himself thin to achieve the impossible, he forgets about the boundaries of what other people can tolerate.

“Forget it,” Mark states calmly, following it up with the ugliest thing of all: “No one who knows you, likes you.”

- my favorite thing in fic: when characters say horrible things to each other and twist their metaphorical fingers into the places that hurt the most. like i just think the whole person who knows u the most can hurt u the most idolism is so true here....
- also yeonjun self-improvement narrative as always x__x i have a soft spot for chweyeonjun perfect idol i guess

He’s seen the way Mark observes him whenever they’re around Soobin: Yeonjun’s dual performance of having to hide from the person who knows him the most and the person he loves the most.

- i kind of already elaborated on this earlier but yeah... PLS DONT JUDGE THE YEONBIN I DIDNT KNOW BETTER AT THE TIME

Mark stops and pauses, expectant. Waiting for what Yeonjun will say, ready to throw it right back at him. It isn’t an obvious form of caring, but it’s the one that matters the most.

Yeonjun takes a deep breath. “Can you show me how you write your raps sometime?”

- lol i'm obsessed with mark being better for yeonjun than soobin thru this fic / the forceful type of person instead of being gentle / instead of accepting his flaws as they are encouraging self-improvement. like sorry i know yeonmark isn't that deep but sometimes i care

v. so-so, lose control

Now he knows Taehyun better, knows that Taehyun’ll hold onto every little detail and commit it to his memory. He’s always been greedy for the things he can never have.

- taehyun overly ambitious narrative seeding <3

“Yeah, everyone likes Troye Sivan,” Beomgyu agrees easily. He nudges Taehyun’s foot with his own, letting his ankle slide between Taehyun’s legs: an interlocking jigsaw of some sorts. They’ve never fit together naturally, but they make it work.

- LITERALLY MY TAEGYU THESIS. i'm sorry they are simply not meant to be sometimes but it's the effort that matters <3

“No, Taehyun-ah,” he says simply, shaking his head. Beomgyu’s fine with pleasing Taehyun, with teaching Taehyun all that he can, but there’s no use in Taehyun trying to give him something when it’ll never be what he really wants.

Beomgyu has always been a romantic, and it just might be the end of him.

- yeah foolish romantic chwebamgyu who doesn't compromise and is all-or-nothing for love?? not sure if this is in character but i still like it.

“Didn’t you learn enough for today?” Beomgyu says, wincing at how harsh it comes out. He tries to reach for that familiar playfulness, that casual aggressiveness that comes along with teasing Taehyun, but it’s too late for that now. They’ve touched each other reverently, carefully, and there's no way to undo that.

Taehyun shakes his head. “No,” he replies. “I want more, hyung.” His expression is careful and searching, almost precarious. It’s as if Taehyun’s standing on the precipice of something; one false step, and he’ll fall.

But Beomgyu will never be able to give him those golden afternoons, will never be able to care for him with the recklessness of a first love. All Beomgyu can offer are the shadows of half-conjured memories, a fantasy that’s dissipating around them like smoke. In that sense, every step is a wrong one.

- not sure what to say here it's so overly dramatic and probably ooc but whenever i reread it at 5am it still slaps

Right as he’s about to shut the door behind him, Taehyun adds: “You’re a good teacher, hyung.”

And Taehyun is a fast learner, Beomgyu thinks, staring blankly at the closed door. Soon he’ll put all the pieces together and realize it makes an image he doesn’t want to see. He’ll understand how foolish it is to desire more, how selfish it is to strive towards something that they sing about every day but can never live through. Beomgyu dreads the day that Taehyun’ll pick up on how to hide his feelings from everyone, becoming someone that even he can’t read.

Beomgyu’s the most romantic member; the essence of romance lies in foolishness. Even so, he knows enough to grasp that their story can only end in tragedy.

- at heart i am just a simple bleak boyband bingo fan <3 i know everyone on my tl is like "i don't get why taegyu is always considered to be the angst ship" meanwhile i actually really like angst sometimes... let's face it being unhappy is fun too
- i rlly like innocent taehyun who is new to love vs more experienced but also kinda dumb chwebamgyu... what can i say...

vi. heart overflows again

"You're really good at this, you know," Jaemin says when Renjun switches to her right hand.

Renjun doesn’t look up. "Of course I am.” She’s always been good at careful, precise things. This had been one of the many things she’d always lusted over as a child. She’d watch her mother painting her nails at night, a pale, neutral shade, and marvel at how shiny and perfect everything looked. Glossing over the imperfections, an impressive facade remaining. Oh, how she had wanted that for herself.

- asdf i was so strugg because i wanted to make it clear that this isn't cis renmin without like. Being Blatant? x___x still not sure if i did it well but i still like these lines for myself <3

"Would anyone else do this for you?" Renjun replies, raising an eyebrow. Maybe Yeonjun-unnie, but she's too goth for Jaemin's taste; her nail polish collection consists of varying shades of black.

Jaemin admires pretty things, bright and flashy and a bit of pink, not dark and grungy. As for Renjun—well, she’s simpler than that. She just likes Jaemin.

- another yeonjun cameo... maybe i am obsessed with him.
- 4 people quoted this in the comments so i think i'm valid for including it

“But I’m not ready,” is what she finally says, in a quiet whisper. She’s never been like Jaemin, getting into fights, asserting herself aggressively through her hot pink lip gloss and array of candy-colored hair clips. No, Renjun likes blending in, likes a few quiet, simple things, likes the attention of Jaemin’s eyes on her alone.

- this made-up jaemin i wrote is probably one of my favorite jaemins <3 fkhldjam;k

Renjun sees it now, the differences in the two of them. She treats Jaemin with care, and Jaemin does so back. But there’s a distinction to be made between the open, gentle caress of Jaemin’s eyes and Renjun’s cautious glances. Renjun moves towards Jaemin like she’s stepping through a minefield and Jaemin touches her as if she’s exploring an enchanted forest. Two sides of the same coin. Their own version of reciprocity, as flawed as it may be.

- okay so this is the part of the fic that came to me at 5am, specifically the difference between different types of being careful.
- being careful because something is dangerous/not wanting to get hurt VS being careful because, well, it's something that's important to you?
- for some reason i was rlly obsessed with highlighting that difference in my writing x__x i feel like the execution is slightly clunky but everything feels better at 5am when ur lying in bed...

vii. can you feel the rush
uhhh i feel like i'm still not distant enough from this fic to assess it objectively x__x i tried to start finding lines and then i caught a typo instead!! i hate it here.